Few things are more interesting to me, or more frustratingly complex, in the tapestry of human relationships as the manner by which we show and observe love. Have you heard of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages?” Back in 1992, it was dropped on the relationship world like a bomb and it lit a very short fuse. Something written three decades ago is kinda crazy, but still resonates with so many of us today. But here’s the thing: These love languages aren’t just some silly self help nonsense. Understanding them is a pretty darn important aspect of having and keeping good relationships – whether you’re referring to a romantic relationship, a family bond, or even a friendship.
What Are the Five Love Languages, Anyway?
Normally we know when we’re caring and loving for someone—but that message just doesn’t come across clearly sometimes. It’s much the same as trying to speak French to someone who only knows Japanese – intention and language, but somehow, the message? No, not so much. It turns out that people tend to express and receive love in five different ways and, surprise, surprise, we don’t all speak the same language, at least not even close, Dr. Chapman figured out.
Words of Affirmation
Have you ever met those people who light up like a Christmas tree the minute you say you’re doing great? The later I recognized that probably they are big on words of affirmation. This love language is all about verbal expressions of care and appreciation – compliments, encouragement, and those three magic words: “I love you.” The beauty about all this, is that it’s absolutely not enough to say nice things, it has to be genuine. Empty flattery? It’s no more useful than a chocolate teapot.
Physical Touch
It is not what you’re thinking (at least, not in this case). Within every love language, physical touch includes everything from holding hands, to hugs, patting on the back, or giving a shoulder squeeze. For folks who speak this language, being physically connected isn’t just nice, it’s necessary. They tend to feel most loved when there is some form of tactile interaction. It’s like emotional charging through physical contact.
Quality Time
The personal favorite in this one (oops did I just sneak in a bit of subjectivity?). Lovers of quality time are not one’s who want you to spend time with them in the same room as you both scroll through your phones – they want to spend time with you giving them their undivided attention. But what we’re talking about is actually laying your phone down (ok, yikes), making eye contact and engaging in real, meaningful conversation or shared activities. Being present in the moment is what it’s about, and let’s face it, being present is getting more difficult to be in our hyper connected and yet disconnected world.
The Practical Side of Love Languages
One thing is understanding love languages, but practice is a whole other ball game. It’s as if you know the rules of basketball but never play the game. The magic really comes in when we put this knowledge to practice, in our relationships.
Common Misunderstandings and Pitfalls
Here’s where things often go sideways: We usually love the way we wish to be loved and not the way we expect a partner to love us. Just like if you are a person that loves to give physical touch, but your partner’s love language is acts of service, while your endless hugs will not really hit the spot the way fixing that leaky faucet would. It’s not the hugs aren’t nice, it’s just they don’t speak their language.
Identifying Your Own Love Language
It is harder than you think to figure out your own love language. What we think we want sometimes isn’t really what makes us feel the most loved. Try this: Consider the moments you were most grateful, most appreciated. Is it when somebody praised the work that you did? What did happen when they didn’t have interruptions while with you? So when you were surprised with a thoughtful gift by them? You may be surprised at the pattern.
Applying Love Languages in Different Relationships
In Romantic Partnerships
Then most people put that love languages concept into practice, for good reason. In romantic relationships, both people could have different primary love languages, and I think this is what causes the serious ‘but I’m trying so hard!’ moments. Communication (always the case, right??) and willingness to break our own social rules and go outside of our comfort zone. If you and your partner speak different love languages, it might sound strange in the beginning to tell your partner love in the way they want. Sadly, nobody said love was easy though!
With Family and Friends
One thing people forget quite often about love languages, is that they aren’t just for romantic relationships. Knowing exactly how your kids, parents or best friends like to be loved can be a game changer. Your teenager might roll their eyes at hugs, but love a bit of one-on-one time with you. Maybe your mom tells you that she doesn’t want gifts but she grins ear to ear when you show up with something nice.
The Evolution of Love Languages in the Digital Age
As we live life more and more digitally, love languages are expressed in new ways. A quality time person may now learn to appreciate a video call as much as the face time or have realistic expectations about being together. Thoughtful text messages or social messages might be a way for words of affirmation to come through. Nevertheless, the core concepts are the same, but what makes things interesting is that the methods of expression are always evolving.
Digital Expressions of Love
We can’t lie – technology has transformed the ways that we communicate love for better or worse. A real hug isn’t quite the same as a heart emoji, but for some people it’s an expression of affection. The trouble isn’t just going through the motions of digital communications (perhaps someone can remind me of another name for bad spam); the trouble is to discover how to make them feel authentic and personal.
Challenges and Solutions
When Love Languages Clash
In love language land, it isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes, our partner or family member has a completely different love language (or more), which is doomed to feeling frustrated and misunderstood. The solution isn’t to suddenly change your natural ways – it’s about realizing that you have to consciously speak each other’s language, side by side, even if sometimes it will seem unnatural.
Maintaining Balance
The thing about love languages is that they are not fixed rules. That’s perfectly normal because they can wake up and shift, evolve. Your 20s require a different type of love to the 40s. The trick is paying attention to your own needs — and those of your loved ones, and incorporating small tweaks as needed.
The Future of Love Languages
As our approach to relationship and communication, continues to transform, so will our experiential and use of love languages. Psychology and relationship dynamics might have new research in psychology and the dynamics of relationships, we might learn more languages or even more nuances we never thought about before. And, the basic principle, if nothing else—people give and receive love differently—probably won’t change.
Just remember that love languages are just tools to help us better understand, and connect with, one another. They’re not rules, or laws of science, but just helpful guidelines for navigating the messy, sideways world of human relationships. Because isn’t that what we’re trying to do with everyone, anyway?
Frotpox 